How to stop abandoning yourself
How People Pleasing + perfectionism lead us to abandon ourselves
Years ago, after I knew I was queer but before I came all the way out, my family was having an explicitly homophobic conversation at the Christmas dinner table. They were saying things like, “What’s next? People marrying animals?!” and all nodding in agreement.
I wanted to say something. I wanted to do anything other than let them believe that I agreed, or that what they were saying was okay. But I had a lump in my gut and my throat closed up and I just sat there frozen in my shock + panic.
A crucial step to stop abandoning yourself
Later, when I told the story to my therapist, she said, “I don’t care if it’s awkward or if you make a scene… If you find yourself in a situation like that again, just leave. You don’t have to say anything — just leave. Even if you don’t know how to handle the nuances of that conversation, protecting your well-being is #1”
It was one of the rare times she straight-up told me what to do. She was usually very gentle, but I sensed the urgency in her expression… she cared deeply about my protection and my sense of self. She cared in a way I hadn’t experienced before then.
That conversation was a huge wake up call for me. Like, even if I come off like an asshole, so fucking what? Is maintaining my reputation as ‘nice’ + ‘mature’ more important than protecting myself from emotional harm? Fuck no!
Sure, ideally I want to handle those situations gracefully. But, in the absence of being able to do that, taking care of myself comes first.
tl;dr It’s worth it to risk being perceived as an asshole sometimes if it means learning how to stop abandoning yourself. Embrace the mess!