Accelerators + Brakes
You can know exactly what you want to create — a fun creative project, juicy conversation, hot sex, soul-deep breakthrough... You might even long for it.
But if your body doesn’t feel safe enough to access curiosity, desire, or excitement? Trying to force yourself to “just do it” will feel impossible — or worse, violating.
That’s not laziness. Or avoidance. Or weakness. That’s your nervous system saying, “Conditions aren’t right for engagement yet.”
This is where the concept of accelerators and brakes comes in — a framework from sex educator Emily Nagoski that explains how your body makes moment-to-moment decisions about what’s safe to pursue… and what needs to shut down.
Accelerators respond to cues of safety, aliveness, and possibility
Brakes respond to cues of danger, overwhelm, or “not now”
And while this model was originally designed to explain sexual desire, it applies to everything that asks for your full presence — connection, pleasure, creativity, expression, rest, risk.
You can’t make yourself feel something your nervous system isn’t ready for. But you can learn what’s helping — or hindering — your access to desire.
What are Accelerators & Brakes?
Your accelerator is the part of your brain-body system that says:
“YES — let’s go! This feels safe, exciting, meaningful, delicious, fun.”
Your brake is the part that says:
“NOPE. Something about this feels threatening, overwhelming, or not possible right now.”
These aren’t thoughts — they’re nervous system reactions. And they’re happening whether you consciously notice them or not.
When your brakes are on, even things you want can feel threatening.
When your accelerator is supported, even hard things can feel possible.
Understanding this isn’t just about motivation — it’s about working with your system, not against it.
What ‘Presses’ Them?
Accelerators respond to:
Curiosity, openness, pleasure
Connection, attunement, play
Internal sensations of energy, openness, readiness
Cues of safety, opportunity, or desire
Brakes respond to:
Shame, fear, overstimulation, uncertainty
Internal sensations of overwhelm, pressure, threat
Feeling rushed, judged, misunderstood, or “too much”
Past experiences that taught your system “this isn’t safe”
What This Looks Like in Real Life
We’re often told that if we just want something enough, we’ll be able to make it happen. But that’s not how nervous systems work.
Here are a few totally normal scenarios where brakes are doing their job — even when you wish they wouldn’t:
🛏️ You’re in bed with someone you love…
You want to feel close. You want to feel turned on.
But your brain is still at work, your body is tense, and you’re distracted by shame, performance anxiety, or that one weird thing they said earlier. The accelerator’s trying, but the brakes are loud as hell.
🎨 You sit down to create something…
You’re excited. You care. You finally carved out time…
But the second you start, you freeze. Suddenly you’re thinking about all the people who might judge you, or all the ways it won’t be good enough. Welcome to brake town, population: your inner critic.
💬 You want to text someone back…
You care about them. You want to stay connected.
But every time you open the thread, your stomach clenches and your brain short-circuits. Maybe there’s guilt, pressure, fear of saying the wrong thing — all brake cues. So you ghost… even though that’s not what you wanted.
💤 You know you need rest…
You’re fried. You fantasize about canceling everything.
But when you finally get a moment to slow down, you feel agitated. You scroll, pace, overeat, or distract. Even though your body deeply needs rest, your mind is screaming “we’re not safe when we stop.”
The problem isn’t that you’re not trying hard enough. The problem is you’re trying to move forward while your system is still slamming the brakes.
Why Your Nervous System Does This
Your brain’s #1 job is not meeting your goals, pursuing your passions, or living your best life — it’s keeping you safe.
So when your nervous system perceives a threat — even a subtle or outdated one — it sends signals to slow down, freeze, shut off, or run. That’s your ‘brake’ pedal. And it often kicks in faster than you can consciously stop it.
This is especially true if:
You’ve experienced trauma, chronic stress, or emotional neglect
You grew up learning that it’s not safe to rest, take up space, or want things for yourself
You’ve had experiences where desire led to disappointment, rejection, or punishment
So now, even healthy, exciting, or growth-oriented desires can trip a threat response in your body — simply because your system doesn’t associate them with safety (yet).
This isn’t sabotage. It’s a survival strategy. And no amount of positive thinking can override that wiring until your body starts to feel something different.
How to Work With Your Accelerators & Brakes
You don’t have to push harder. You don’t have to force desire to show up.
You just need to notice what’s happening — and adjust the conditions.
🔍 Get Curious, Not Forceful
If you’re feeling stuck, ask:
“What might be pressing my brakes right now?”
“What would help me feel a little safer / less overwhelmed?”
“Is this a lack of desire, or a lack of capacity?”
🧹 Sometimes You Need to Remove the Brakes
Before you pile on motivation or try to willpower your way forward, try easing up on the threat cues:
- Turn off distractions
- Remove pressure (internal or external)
- Let go of perfectionism
- Give yourself permission to not do it — and see if that makes spaceYou might be surprised how much aliveness shows up once you stop pushing.
⚡️ And Sometimes You Just Need a Little Gas
Your brakes might be chill, but your accelerator just isn’t getting enough input. Try:
- Music that energizes or inspires you
- Imagining the afterglow of doing the thing
- Starting smaller — like, embarrassingly small
- Doing something pleasurable, playful, or novel to light up your system
🌀 Track Patterns Over Time
This isn’t about one moment — it’s about learning your rhythm. Notice:
What makes desire feel possible?
What shuts it down?
What helps you come back online after shutting down?The more you notice your patterns, the more you can shift how you respond — instead of blaming yourself for having them.
💡 Pro Tip:
Think of yourself like a wild animal. The world is full of dangers, known and unknown — and you’re just cautious. Your desire, pleasure, creativity, and play won’t come out of hiding until the conditions feel just right.
Stop trying to herd your inner cat, and instead coax it gently like the feral little creature it is.:
“pspsps… come on, baby. It’s safe. Here’s a treat. Come on home with me — I’ll take real good care of you.”
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