Window of Tolerance
Do you ever feel like your reactions make no damn sense? Like, one moment you’re chill, the next you’re spiraling, snapping, shutting down, or inexplicably offering to help someone move when your whole body is screaming ‘no’? 🙃
That’s not you being a mess. That’s your nervous system doing what it was designed to do — keeping you safe (even if it means hijacking the steering wheel sometimes!)
This guide will help you understand what the hell is happening inside your body when you go from “I got this” to “I can’t,” and how to start working with your nervous system instead of against it.
What is the Window of Tolerance?
When you find yourself snapping at your partner, or zoning out so hard you forget where you are… that’s not you being dramatic, or lazy — it’s your nervous system running interference because your stress has exceeded your window of tolerance.
Your window of tolerance is the amount of stress your nervous system can experience while still feeling safe enough to function — where you can think clearly, stay connected, and respond to life instead of reacting on autopilot.
But when something pushes you past that window — too much stress, too much sensation, too much emotional charge — your nervous system hits the emergency brakes or the panic pedal. That’s when you end up in survival states like fight 🐯, flight 🐭, freeze 🐌, or fawn 🐶.
In this article, I’ll walk you through:
What happens outside the window and why it's not your fault
Why your nervous system shifts states (and how this connects to trauma, stress, and sensitivity)
How to recognize the subtle cues of each state before they take over
How to expand your window over time with gentle, sustainable nervous system work
And where to start when you need help regulating or reconnecting with yourself
So let’s get into it — no shame, no fixing, just understanding your inner weather system a little better 🌀💗
How to Know When You’re Outside the Window
When you're inside your window of tolerance, you feel like yourself. You can connect, enjoy, and move freely. Your breath flows, your thoughts make sense, your body feels… livable.
But once you’re outside that window — when something overwhelms your system — your body shifts into survival mode. And it doesn’t ask for your permission. 🫠
Depending on how you’re overwhelmed, you might flip into:
🔥 Hyperarousal (Fight / Flight) 🔥
Your body goes full alert: Fast heartbeat, tight chest, shallow breath, racing thoughts, clenched muscles, tunnel vision. Your mind says, ““I have to act now or I won’t be safe.”
Fight: You feel angry, snappy, desperate for control. You might raise your voice, clench your jaw, or feel like “If I don’t DO something right now, I’ll explode.”
Flight: You feel panicky, overwhelmed, hypervigilant. You want to leave — the room, the relationship, the entire damn planet.
…or:
🧊 Hypoarousal (Freeze / Fawn)🧊
Instead of speeding up, your system shuts down. Your body has low energy, breath slows, and you might feel spaced out or have trouble speaking. Your mind says, “If I stay small, sweet, or silent, I’ll be okay.”
Freeze: You feel numb, checked out, foggy, heavy. You might stop responding, forget what you were doing, or feel like time’s not real.
Fawn: You go into appeasement. Smiling, agreeing, caretaking, abandoning yourself to stay safe. It looks calm on the outside — but inside? You’re bracing for rejection, punishment, or abandonment.
All of these states are NORMAL ADAPTATIONS. They aren’t flaws, they’re your nervous system throwing you a life raft (even if it’s not the one you wanted.)
The key is recognizing: You’re not broken — you’re outside your window. And that means we can help you come back in. 💕
Why We Shift States
Your nervous system is always scanning for danger — not just physical threats, but emotional ones, too. It’s constantly asking:
“Am I safe enough to stay open and connected… or do I need to protect myself?”
And here’s the thing: your system doesn’t care if you’re in actual danger or just remembering danger. It doesn’t care if the threat is a bear, a breakup, a deadline, or your mom's passive-aggressive tone. It just reacts.
This is called neuroception — your body’s unconscious perception of safety or threat. It’s faster than thought. You don’t choose your state. Your body chooses it for you.
What Determines the Size of Your Window
The size of your window — how much stress you can handle before flipping into survival mode — is shaped by a bunch of stuff, like:
Early experiences (especially trauma, neglect, or unpredictability)
Chronic stress or burnout
Health conditions, neurodivergence, or sensory sensitivity
Attachment wounds or relational trauma
Cultural/systemic oppression (yep, your nervous system notices that too)
If your window feels tiny, like you can’t handle much before breaking down — babe, that’s not because you’re weak. It’s because your system learned that it had to be on guard all the time. Of course it reacts fast. Of course it tries to protect you early and often. That’s adaptation. You’re not overreacting — you’re overloaded
Let me say it again for the anxious babes in the back: You’re not overreacting. You’re overextended, beyond your capacity.
And when your system hits that point, it’ll do whatever it needs to keep you alive — even if it means dissociating during a date, or getting snippy with your roommate over a spoon in the sink.
Understanding why you shift states isn’t about blaming the past. It’s about seeing how smart your body has been, and giving yourself the tools to help it feel safe enough to try something different.
Getting to Know Your Window
You don’t just have a window of tolerance — you live in it. You feel it. Your body talks to you all day long, letting you know whether you’re inside that window or about to fall out the damn side of it like a goblin on a Slip ‘n Slide.
But most of us were never taught how to recognize those shifts — let alone honor them. So let’s change that!
Your window of tolerance is personal. Some people can handle loud crowds but collapse during conflict. Others can deal with pressure but not unpredictability. You don’t need a giant window — you just need a way to know where you are inside it.
Start by noticing:
💡 What are the first signs you're leaving your window? What thoughts, feelings, cravings, habits, etc. let you know something is ‘off’?
⚡️ What does each state feel like in your body? What sensations or bodily changes can you notice when you’re dysregulated?
🌀 What is the difference between a tolerable vs. overwhelming amount of challenge or discomfort?
You don’t have to fix anything yet. Just get curious. Start tracking your internal weather system like a little body meteorologist. Over time, you’ll learn to sense a storm coming — and know exactly what to do about it.
How to Get Back Within Your Window of Tolerance When You’re Dysregulated
When you're stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, irritated, or feeling stuck; the best thing you can do for yourself is regulate your nervous system, bringing it back to your window of tolerance. A regulated state is where our best healing, growth, problem solving, and creativity happen!
Regulation doesn’t mean forcing yourself into stillness or pretending to be okay. It means supporting your system so it feels safe enough to shift.
Fortunately, there are a lot of quick, easy, and sneaky ways to signal to your nervous system that you’re safe; and I’ve compiled some of the most powerful tools I’ve discovered in my Magical Mind-Body Library!
Here are my recommendations if you’re just getting started…
Feeling frantic, wired, or spiraling?
Try Tapping, Havening, Peripheral Vision, or Calming BreathworkFeeling foggy, shut down, or numb?
Try Somatic Shaking, Contrast Hydrotherapy, Body Scan, or Metaphoric VisualizationJust want to feel more anchored and aware?
Try checking in with your Feelings + Needs
Want more ways to regulate your nervous system?
I’ve got a whole library of mind-body magic waiting for you✨