Locus of Control
a.k.a A Codependent’s Guide to Letting Go of Other People’s Shit
If you were raised to be hyper-attuned, conflict-avoidant, and emotionally responsible for everyone but yourself… this one’s for you, babe.
When you grow up around unpredictability, trauma, or emotionally immature adults, you learn to survive by over-functioning. You try to:
Keep the peace
Control how others see you
Prevent disappointment
Avoid upsetting people
Be “good” enough to not get hurt or abandoned
But here’s the truth: Most of the things you think are your responsibility aren’t actually even in your control.
Your locus of control refers to what you actually have power over — and where that power stops.
If you don’t know the difference, you’ll spend your life exhausted, resentful, and still not getting what you need. Let’s keep that from happening 🙌
What Is Yours to Manage?
Healing from codependency isn’t about becoming “independent” or never needing anyone. It’s about learning what’s yours to carry — and what never was.
Here’s what you can control (with awareness + practice)…
🧠 Your Internal Landscape:
Your thoughts
Your feelings (not whether you feel them, but how you respond to them)
Your beliefs + stories
Your values
Your interpretations of other people’s behavior
💬 Your Communication:
What you say, how you say it
When you speak up and when you stay silent
What boundaries you set and enforce
What you ask for (even if they say no)
🏃♀️ Your Actions:
How you care for your body
How you spend your time
What commitments you keep
What environments you stay in or leave
This is your zone of influence. This is where your power lives.
When you focus on what’s truly yours, you stop wasting energy trying to manage things you can’t control — and start building a life you can actually sustain.
What You Need to Hand Back
Codependent programming taught you that love = responsibility. That being “good” means being agreeable, accommodating, and low-maintenance. That you’re supposed to know how everyone’s feeling and fix it before they even ask.
But here’s the deal: You are not responsible for how other people feel. You are not in charge of how they respond, react, cope, or grow.
Here’s what is not yours to manage:
Other people’s emotions
Their reactions to your boundaries
Their coping mechanisms
Their expectations of you
Their healing process
Whether they “understand where you’re coming from”
Whether they like you, approve of you, or think you did it right
Every time you abandon yourself to take responsibility for someone else’s emotional experience, you send a message to your body — and your inner child — that you are not important. You damage self-trust. And you put the other person on a pedestal that they may not want — or be able to — live up to.
You weren’t put here to walk on eggshells or pre-approve your needs through someone else’s nervous system. You were put here to live honestly — even if that means disappointing others.
So hand it back. With love. With a boundary. With a big ol’ middle finger and an even bigger woosah.
Reclaiming Your Locus of Control
This isn’t about becoming perfectly “detached” or never caring what people think. It’s about reclaiming your energy — so you can stop worrying about what everyone is doing or saying, and start building a life that actually feels like yours.
Here are some tools to help you practice:
💎 Clarify What Matters to You
If you don’t know your own values, you’ll keep defaulting to other people’s.
Start here: Values 101🌲 Reconnect to Your Integrity
Self-trust starts by noticing when you’re acting out of alignment — and gently course-correcting.
Try this: Integrity 101🌀 Get Clear on What You’re Feeling + Needing
You’re not too much. You’re just out of practice identifying what’s real inside you.
Use this tool: Feelings + Needs Wheel👄 Learn How to Speak Your Truth
Not everyone will meet you there — but you can still speak clearly and with self-respect.
Try this: Intro to Non-Violent Communication🧠 Understand What’s Driving You
Sometimes you want to say no, but your body slams the brake. Sometimes you should rest, but your foot’s stuck on the gas.
This will help: Accelerators + Brakes
Reclaiming your locus of control isn’t a one-time thing. It’s a practice. A remembering. A thousand tiny choices to come home to yourself again.
💡 Pro Tip:
Any time you feel like something heavy just landed on you — someone’s vibe shift, reaction, guilt trip, disappointment — pause and ask:
“Did I just put on their backpack?”
If the answer is yes? Take it off. Hand it back. And repeat as needed — especially around people who love handing you their shit with a smile.
You don’t have to carry it just because they dropped it at your feet.
Want more ways to heal from codependency?
I’ve got a whole library of mind-body magic waiting for you✨