Balanced Body = Balanced mind
It’s called the cerebellum, and we used to think it was only responsible for physical balance + coordination. But there’s some really cool research now linking it to the coordination of emotions + learning!
When we’re feeling overwhelmed, a few minutes of balance practice can help us calm + regulate ourselves. And with regular practice, we can strengthen the cerebellum and improve our ability to process information + emotions.
Codependence in people pleasers
When, during childhood, a caretaker is consistently unavailable or unable to meet our emotional needs, or when their needs are focused on at the expense of our own…
We internalize the message that our needs don’t matter.
We learn to be good, unproblematic, and self-sufficient; and to avoid displeasing, disappointing, or inconveniencing people.
We do this like our life depends on it, because that’s what our nervous system truly believes, until the point that we are burnt out and harming ourselves.
If this sounds like you, there’s nothing wrong with you. This is a perfectly natural response to growing up in an emotionally unsafe environment.
AND you don’t have to keep the codependent survival patterns that your brain defaulted to. You are the grown up now, and you have the power to create the safe, attentive, and loving relationships you always deserved ❤️🩹
If you’re not sure where to start, I break it down for you step-by-step in Unleash Your Inner Dragon: A Workbook for Recovering People Pleasers + Perfectionists! It includes 4 weeks of activities you can follow to change your habits, build your self-esteem, and re-wire your brain so that it works better for you.
Dealing with burnout as a recovering perfectionist
As a recovering perfectionist, facing burnout can be a tricky thing.
We’re prone to believing that our burnout is due to a personal deficiency, and we feel a deep sense of shame when we’re not able to rise to the unrealistic standards we’ve set for ourselves.
This can make us want to override our body’s signals for rest, which in turn makes us even more depleted. Its a vicious cycle.
We can start undoing this pattern by giving ourselves unconditional permission to feel how we feel and need what we need, especially rest — which we might need a LOT of if we’ve been chronically overextending ourselves.
Remember that your worth doesn’t come from your productivity, and beating yourself up won’t get you anywhere. Be kind + gentle with yourself, like you would with a sick child or pet 💖
How we avoid shame
The common denominator between people pleasing + perfectionism is shame.
Shame is not only something that happens in our heads — in the ways we think + talk about ourselves — but also in our bodies. Which is why the solution is twofold! We need to address both the thinking AND feeling parts of how we relate to ourselves in order for meaningful, longlasting change to occur…
…which I show you exactly how to do in Unleash Your Inner Dragon: A Workbook for Recovering People Pleasers + Perfectionists! Inside is a 4-week step-by-step process to build your self-confidence — and this is not some toxic positivity bullshit! It includes somatic exercises to actually re-wire your brain — so your new habits + beliefs actually stick! Click the button below for more info.
The fawn response in people pleasers
If you find yourself wondering “Why is this so hard for me?!” I promise it’s not because you’re uniquely broken, wrong, or deficient.
Connection, approval, love + adoration are basic human needs — without them, our brain believes that our survival is under threat. If you were denied the opportunity for genuine, healthy connection growing up, your developing child brain did the best it could to seek out those needs.
As an adult, you might now recognize that the survival adaptations you came up with as a child aren’t serving you as well as they used to.
But that recognition doesn’t take away the deep neural pathways carved over years of practicing + repeating these same behaviors.
You still need love + approval. And until you establish a more constructive + fulfilling way to meet those needs AND your nervous system realizes that it’s safe to let go of the old ways, you’re likely going to keep returning to what you are familiar with.
That’s 100% normal and 100% okay. Remember to be gentle + patient with the frightened child within you 💗
The addictive cycle of perfectionism
Pleasing + impressing everyone is an unrealistic standard. Defining our own success by anyone else’s standards is unhelpful.
If we strive for unrealistic + unhelpful standards, we will inevitably fail or burn out. And if we believe that we failed, not because our standards were unrealistic, but because we weren’t perfect enough; we become even more invested in our efforts to be ‘good enough’ and do everything ‘just right’.
This is a compounding, self-destructive cycle. We can’t keep it going forever.
In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown writes, “It may seem counterintuitive, but one of the biggest barriers to working toward mastery is perfectionism…. Achieving mastery requires curiosity and viewing mistakes and failures as opportunities for learning. Perfectionism kills curiosity by telling us that we have to know everything or we risk looking ‘less than.’ Perfectionism tells us that our mistakes and failures are personal defects, so we either avoid trying new things, or we barely recover every time we inevitably fall short.”
If you’re feeling exhausted trying to do everything and be everything to everyone,
If striving + striving just isn’t working out for you…
Try not-striving.
Consider the possibility that you are not defined by what you accomplish and how well you accomplish it.
Give yourself unconditional permission to be exactly as you are and feel exactly how you feel. Listen to your body. Rest when you feel tired. Give your nervous system the opportunity to let its guard down, so you can experience the curiosity required to *actually* grow.
Why Feeling safe is more important than solving Problems
Am I safe? Am I loved? — These are the things our nervous system is constantly scanning for.
Not much matters to our brains if we are not safe (and for humans, a social species who rely on cooperation to survive + thrive, being loved IS a marker of safety)
Most of us perfectionists + people pleasers have developed these habits because, on a fundamental level, we don’t feel loved. This leaves us in a chronic state of stress, in which we search + strive + tweak + adjust + push, all in an effort to become lovable so that we can feel safe.
But the catch is that, in doing so, we treat ourselves as a problem to solve — ‘If I could just ____ better, then maybe…’ — which then reinforces the message that we are not loved / lovable, and therefore not safe.
If this sounds like you, I invite you to stop striving + problem solving for awhile. Look for evidence that you are lovable + loved. Allow your nervous system to register that it is safe.
This frees up your brain for curiosity, play + creative thinking, which are essential to high-level problem solving.
5 Reasons to Go for a Walk Outside
I had a pretty rough start to my day. I woke up really sad + disoriented because of a dream I’d had about my dog who passed away. When I told my partner, he didn’t respond the way I wanted / needed at the time, and that triggered me to shut down.
I dissociated by playing a video game for a few hours, and then realized that I’d missed an important appointment.
I felt myself start spinning out. I was embarrassed, ashamed, sad, defeated, overwhelmed, and anxious. I had the urge to call someone and tell them what was happening.
It’s a weekday, though, and everyone was busy. Plus, I knew I needed to feel + process this, not just intellectualize it and dump it onto anyone who would listen.
So I did some tapping, took a shower, and went on a walk outside. I sunned myself like a lizard by the lake. I breathed.
And by the time I got back home, I felt like a whole new person. My dog is still dead and I still have to deal with the consequences of missing my appointment, but I’m not physiologically overwhelmed by it all — I’m able to cope.
I guess all that is to say, there is profound magic in the simplest of things — like going for a walk outside.
Hugging my inner child
This is how I tended to my nervous system today when a big emotion came up.
👀 Orienting to a safe environment (looking around the room + listening to the birds);
😮💨 calming, intentional breath;
🚶movement + bilateral stimulation (rocking);
🫂 that loving + affectionate squeeze that says ‘I got you’…
These are all ways to signal to our body / nervous system that we are safe — which is especially important for those of us who have learned to repress, ignore, belittle, + bypass our emotions as a survival mechanism.
The safer we can feel when an emotion comes up, the more fully we can allow + release it.
Thoughts on understanding
I have invested a LOT of energy into being seen + understood by others. It has its value, as well as some pitfalls. Here’s what I’ve learned:
Wanting to feel understood does not make you ‘bad’ or ‘weak’, it’s a basic human need.
Truly understanding yourself is a fundamental step towards being truly understood by others.
Not everyone wants or cares to understand you. choose carefully where you invest your emotional + communicative energies.
Understanding yourself fulfills some of your need for being understood, which takes pressure off of your existing relationships and frees you to be more discerning about who else you seek understanding from.
Understanding isn’t always done with words. Sometimes it’s a gesture, an expression, a sound, a vibe.
How to stop abandoning yourself
How People Pleasing + perfectionism lead us to abandon ourselves
Years ago, after I knew I was queer but before I came all the way out, my family was having an explicitly homophobic conversation at the Christmas dinner table. They were saying things like, “What’s next? People marrying animals?!” and all nodding in agreement.
I wanted to say something. I wanted to do anything other than let them believe that I agreed, or that what they were saying was okay. But I had a lump in my gut and my throat closed up and I just sat there frozen in my shock + panic.
A crucial step to stop abandoning yourself
Later, when I told the story to my therapist, she said, “I don’t care if it’s awkward or if you make a scene… If you find yourself in a situation like that again, just leave. You don’t have to say anything — just leave. Even if you don’t know how to handle the nuances of that conversation, protecting your well-being is #1”
It was one of the rare times she straight-up told me what to do. She was usually very gentle, but I sensed the urgency in her expression… she cared deeply about my protection and my sense of self. She cared in a way I hadn’t experienced before then.
That conversation was a huge wake up call for me. Like, even if I come off like an asshole, so fucking what? Is maintaining my reputation as ‘nice’ + ‘mature’ more important than protecting myself from emotional harm? Fuck no!
Sure, ideally I want to handle those situations gracefully. But, in the absence of being able to do that, taking care of myself comes first.
tl;dr It’s worth it to risk being perceived as an asshole sometimes if it means learning how to stop abandoning yourself. Embrace the mess!
What it takes to *actually* change a habit
You might be saying ‘okay, but HOW do I actually re-wire my brain?’
Well, I break it down for you step-by-step in my self-guided workbook Unleash Your Inner Dragon!
What we’re doing here is not just ‘changing your attitude’ or trying to toxic-positivity your way out of people pleasing + perfectionism.
If you follow the activities, in 4 weeks you’ll:
✨uncover the hidden motivations behind your people pleasing + perfectionism,
✨ understand why these habits actually represent a beautiful + intelligent part of yourself, and
✨ practice expressing that part of yourself more effectively, in a way that better meets your needs and aligns with your values.
And throughout that entire process, you’re going to learn somatic tools + exercises that will help you get out of fight of flight mode, re-wire your brain for a new way of being, and integrate all these changes on a physical, neurobiological level;
so you’re not endlessly in this mental battle, warding off the old patterns of thought + behavior — you’re making real, measurable changes that stick.
I wish I would have had something like this earlier in my journey because I spent a lot of time trying to be an A student in healing, trying to think my way out of my emotions, getting frustrated with myself when I knew better but couldn’t do better.
And it’s not like I didn’t know about the mind-body connection! I was a bodyworker — that was, like, my whole schtick!
But I didn’t always know about this specific, trauma-informed way of working with the nervous system to address thoughts, feelings, and behaviors …this way of skillfully using the mind-body connection to create meaningful changes in the brain via the body.
It feels like wizardry, because in some ways it kinda is; but it is also informed by the most up-to-date, research-backed behavioral neuroscience.
So, if you’re ready to stop cramping yourself in a box that doesn’t fit, click the button below to download the workbook. Because you don’t want to just gaslight yourself with toxic positivity! You want to make REAL meaningful changes to your brain at the neurological level so you can enjoy more ease + freedom.
Freedom is possible
Did you know you could…
set boundaries and protect your peace, even if kindness + generosity are important values to you?
care less about what people think, without making it mean you’re wrong or bad?
make choices that reflect your needs + values, even if you do still care what other people think?
have your own back, even if the people around you don’t understand?
unconditionally love + respect yourself, even if you have a ruthless inner critic?
I lay it out for you step-by-step in Unleash Your Inner Dragon: A Workbook for Recovering People Pleasers + Perfectionists, which you can download now for less than the cost of a night out!
Quick Hack to Get Out of Stress Mode
This is a useful tool for regulating your nervous system when you only have a quick moment ground yourself. Great for on-the-go, at work, and during difficult interactions.
I love using this tool when I’m taking a work break, or trying to ground myself during a difficult conversation — it works like magic!
[Full Audio Transcript:]
Here’s a quick hack to get yourself out of stress mode!
When we’re in a stressed state, our body/mind is very concerned with what is going on in front of us, right? To protect us from whatever is threatening our life. So our eyes tend to have a very narrow, sharp, forward focus… our whole posture is even kind of forward.
So, one way to reverse-engineer a relaxed state is to do the opposite of that with our body.
Create a soft focus with your eyes where you can see more of your peripherals. Your vision may start to get a bit blurry. (I’m doing it right now - haha) You might feel your eyes relax into the back of your head.
Bring your awareness to your back, and the space behind your back. You might even feel yourself shift back a little bit.
Give it a try! The more you practice, the easier it will be for you to access that relaxed state whenever you need it most.
10 books that made me who I am today
Along my personal journey, there have been a handful of books I’ve read that were absolutely instrumental to my growth + healing! Here are 10 of my personal favorites…
Bodymind by Ken Dychtwald taught me how + where different emotions can live in specific areas of the body.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie taught me how to set healthy + loving boundaries.
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown taught me grace + self love.
Urban Shaman by Serge Kahili King taught me how magical our world is, how magical I am, and how to harness my power for positive change.
Waking the Tiger and In An Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine taught me about the inner workings of trauma and how to heal my nervous system.
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski taught me even more about the nervous system, especially as it pertains to pleasure + desire.
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert taught me the importance of creativity and urged me to courageously share my gifts with the world.
Untamed by Glennon Doyle reminded me how important it is, as a woman especially, to live freely and wholeheartedly.
Living with Joy by Sanaya Roman taught me how to expand my perception of joy and how I embody it in my life.
The Sneaky Inner ‘Helper’ that is Holding You Back
Of course you want to heal, grow, and be your best self — that’s human! But is your growth being thwarted by shame? Here are some of the sneaky ways it shows up…
POV: You’ve begun the process of exploring your emotions, your history, and the unhelpful thought patterns that have been keeping you stuck.
Congrats! You’re probably pretty good by now at noticing negative self-talk. When your brain says something outright mean + untrue like “You’re not good enough,” “You’re broken,” “You’re unworthy of love,” “Nobody likes you,” etc. you’re able to recognize it for what it is — an unloving + unkind falsehood, an echo of someone else’s pain, a thought you don’t have to agree with or abide by.
Your ability to see these unhelpful thoughts clearly for what they are removes the power they have over your life. But what about the ones we can’t see so clearly?
Introducing: Shame. Shame is not a specific thought or feeling — it’s a way of looking at ourself as if there is something wrong with us. It’s a worldview many of us have internalized on a very deep level, and it can shape our thoughts + behavior in very sneaky ways. It may sound like…
“I should ____ more/less”
“I _____ too much”
“I don’t ___ enough”
“I’m too ____”
“I’m not ____ enough”
“My ____ is a real problem”
“I really need to work on ____”
”I have to stay on top of ____”
“I need to heal ____”
“If I could just ____ then everything would fall into place”
“If I don’t control my ____ then everything will fall apart”
“I need to put my best foot forward”
“If I don’t show up polished + prepared, they’ll think I am ____”
Shame often disguises itself as a helper; which is tricky, because of course you want to heal, grow, and be your best self! The drive to explore + expand our limits is healthy + natural.
What is not natural is believing that we are less valuable, less worthy, less valid, or less ‘good’ because of how we are right now. That thought paradigm comes from systems of oppression. And we don’t heal or grow by enforcing oppressive thought paradigms on ourselves.
Shame creates suffering, angst, depression, anxiety, and self-loathing. It constipates our creativity and makes us hide ourselves. So in order to continue our journey of personal development + healing, we need to un-shame ourselves and approach personal development from a place of grace, love + self-respect.
When you find yourself struggling with a ‘bad habit’ or a part of yourself that you want to change, here are some questions to ask yourself…
What if this emotion / behavior I’ve been seeing as a ‘problem’ isn’t bad or wrong?
What if my body + mind are doing exactly what they need to?
What if this part of myself is trying to communicate something to me, or serve me in some way? And, if that’s the case, what might that be?
By un-shaming our issues, quirks, and idiosyncrasies, we can see them for the gifts they are and receive the wisdom they have to offer us. Remember, you are not a problem to be fixed — you are a magnificent ecosystem! Explore with wonder, observe with respect, and tend with love + appreciation.
Are you ready to ditch the shame and let your inner wisdom blossom? I want to remind you how perfect + powerful you are! Schedule a (completely free) introductory coaching session with me, and I’ll give you some personalized action steps to get you started on the right foot.
Why Women, LGBTQ + Neurodivergent people are prone to people pleasing
Anyone can be a people pleaser! But here’s why women, LGBTQ, neurodivergent people, and other marginalized groups are more likely than their peers to develop this survival mechanism.
When we’re young, we absorb messages from our environment about what makes us desirable vs. undesirable. We see adults around us praising some behaviors + qualities while criticizing or refusing to tolerate others, and we internalize those values. These messages shape our worldview, our nervous system, and how we carry ourselves.
As a neurodivergent, queer womxn, I see now how certain aspects of my identity have been viewed by caregivers, teachers, or society at large, and how that has shaped my behavior. For example, girls are praised for being attractive, nice, and sweet. So I put a lot of energy into being pretty + skinny, and never expressed anger or discontentment.
Girls + women also tend to be held responsible for the feelings + actions of people (especially men) around them. We’re expected to be deferential, and to take care of everyone without complaint or reward. We’re not expected to be opinionated, boundaried, adventurous, or powerful; and we’re not seen as leaders.
Neurodivergent people are criticized 20x more than their neurotypical peers. Because of our struggles with executive functioning, we’re often labeled as ‘lazy’ or ‘unintelligent’. When we struggle with emotional regulation, we’re deemed ‘too sensitive’.
LGBTQ people often get the message that our attractions + identities aren’t real or valid. We may have been told that we’re disappointing or embarrassing to our families, or even that we’re immoral or disgusting. But even if someone grew up in the most accepting family imaginable, there is still a cultural default assumption of cis-straightness; so we regularly ‘come out’ to and face the reactions of new acquaintances, coworkers, etc.
All of these layers underline the message that we are not normal or right. We are not good enough. We are not wanted as we are. We are not worthy of love + acceptance.
So we’re left with a pretty shitty choice — be different than people want / expect you to be and face the consequences, or subdue your undesirable natures to avoid social + physical violence. Except it’s not much of a choice, really, because when our life is threatened, the survival mechanisms in our brain take over and make the decision for us.
Our nervous system reacted by fawning in order to protect us. We avoid conflict at all costs, and bend over backwards to try to make others around us happy and keep the peace. We try to mask our undesirable qualities in order to be more likable to others. We hold ourselves to very high standards, hoping that our achievements will make us more accepted. We may feel unsafe to rest or slow down.
We can’t ‘just be ourselves’ very often, if at all, because we don’t feel truly valued, and our nervous systems are on high alert for rejection or proof of our not-good-enoughness.
This phenomenon applies to other marginalized groups as well, like people of color and the disabled community. The more intersectional identities we have that are not valued by the wider culture, the more prone we are to shame + people pleasing.
Can you relate? Here are 3 Steps you can start taking NOW to break free from these patterns and reclaim your power!
3 Steps to Stop People Pleasing and Reclaim Your Power
Are you sick of feeling stuck, unhappy, + burnt out from trying to please everyone? Here's how to create a life that meets YOUR needs + desires!
If, growing up, the adults around you weren’t able to regulate their emotions in a healthy way (which, let’s be real, most weren’t!) chances are you were expected to adjust your behavior in order to make the authority figures around you more comfortable. You probably learned, on a very basic + instinctual level, to subdue or ignore your own feelings; to be hyper-aware of how people see you and what they want or expect from you; and to say + do things that you think will please or ameliorate those around you.
As children, we rely on adults for protection, so it makes sense that our brains would develop these reflexes for our own safety. But, as adults, it can impact our lives in really detrimental ways! Maybe you feel out of touch with how you feel or what you want/need moment to moment. Or maybe, when you do know what you want, you feel guilty for even considering it. Maybe you’re so terrified of failure or of disappointing people that you never take any risks. Maybe making decisions for others’ sakes has led to a life that feels foreign, exhausting, depressing, and unfulfilling.
If this sounds like you, take heart — there is a more fulfilling way to live! When you’re ready to break the patterns of people pleasing and hustling for approval, here are 3 steps you can take to reclaim your power…
#1 — Get to know yourself
Those of us who were taught to put others’ before ourselves often have trouble knowing how we feel or what we need — it doesn’t occur to us to pay attention to that or to ask ourselves. So the first step of healing is to get to know yourself better by bringing more awareness to your mind + body. Through self-reflection, meditation, and somatic practices, we can get more familiar with how we’re feeling and what we’re needing or desiring. Not only that, the act of paying attention to yourself sends the message to your brain + body that you matter and creates more neural pathways around self-awareness. Over time, being attuned to your feelings will become easier + more natural.
#2 — Make realistic + sustainable changes
As you become more aware of your unmet needs + desires, you will likely want to make some changes in your life. But that can often be easier said than done! There are plenty of barriers + challenges to changing our habits as it is, but those of us who are prone to people pleasing also tend to have perfectionist tendencies and be really hard on ourselves. Learning how to create sustainable change from a place of self-kindness instead of shame is key to reclaiming our power!
#3 — Infuse your life with joy
As we’re growing + changing, creating more health + wellbeing and more alignment in our lives, it can be easy to get into a mode of ‘all business’ and forget to have fun. Which is quite the paradox, because most of us set out on this journey in the first place to experience more joy, fun, and pleasure! Remember that joy + pleasure are not a destination, but experiences to infuse into your daily life. These experiences are not only a result of the healing process, but an integral part of it. Approach change from a joy-first perspective, and don’t forget to carve out time for things that make you feel alive!
The more you practice these skills of getting to know yourself, prioritizing your needs + desires, and doing so in a way that is loving + joyful, the more your life will look + feel true to you! I totally get how this process can seem overwhelming at times, though, especially if we aren’t sure where to start. So if you’re looking for some support + guidance as you work on ending the cycle of people pleasing and creating a more joyful + fulfilling life, let’s talk! I’ve helped hundreds of people through this process, and it would be my honor to support you through it as well.